How to Unlock the One Superpower in Discovering Your Best Self
Discovering, defining and developing your keystone question
“Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”For it is not wise to ask such questions” — Ecc 7:10
At a friend’s sending-off dinner last night, the chairman of our cycling group noticed I was being left out of the conversation as I was the only non- Malayalam speaking person. Calling out to the other 15 or so guys around the table, he said, “Tell us about yourself, Dunstan.” But before I said a word, the chairman continued, “wait, let me tell them a story. One evening, before our ride, Dunstan handed me a book to give him my review and feedback after reading it. When I got home, I looked at the title, and the bottom of the cover was the author’s name. Wait, I know this name. Oh! This is Dunstan’s book.” He cracked everyone up when he interjected the round of applause with a true confession. “The book is by my bedside, but I have not read a single page. I will post my review on social media after I read it.”
A series of questions followed on from about half of the people around the table. You could have heard a pin drop while I answered the most telling question of the evening.
“What is the most important experience of your life?” I moved forward in my seat, taking my back of the chair’s backrest to an upright sitting position to answer the question. “I have many important experiences. But instead, I will share the defining moment of my life,” I continued. That moment was the second time I saw my dad cry. The day I graduated from high school.
After much anticipation and anxiety, I presented the results of my final high school public exams to my dad. I passed with the second-best possible grade — first division, the best being a distinction. I was proud because I delivered what I had promised. But I was bemused by dad’s misty eyes looking up at me after perusing the report card. The mist turned into teardrops as he spoke. “Well done, Ayo. I am so proud of you. But, it is painful to think, I do not have the means for you to further your education.” I fought back my tears as I walked away to my room to process what I had just witnessed.
“I now believe that all of us have keystone questions, guiding us through life, whether or not we consciously aware of them. They are the deeply established questions we ask ourselves in the attempt to be our best selves.” — Hal Gregersen
There was my life before that moment and my life after that moment, defined by one question. I was 15! Behind the closed doors in my room, I endured some tears of my own while I tried to think about my immediate future. But without any self-pity and a resolve to build a stronger bond with my dad, I asked the one question that has defined how I live my life. Having just finished reading Hal Gregersen’s book, I realise that was my keystone question.
“How can I develop myself so I can help people to never be in a position where they cannot provide for their kids’ education.”
Since then, I have reframed my keystone question into my mission statement, which is “to help people break their limiting belief about what is possible for them so they can achieve their potential, realise their dreams and make a difference.”
What are you asking of yourself? How do you find inspiration in discovering your life’s purpose?
“The questions which one asks oneself begin, at least, to illuminate the world, and become one’s key to the experience of others.” — James Baldwin
Alexandros Papaderos gave the most thoughtful, insightful and profound answer I have ever heard to the question — “What is the meaning of life?”
At the end of one of his seminars, Papaderos took out a small mirror from his wallet to explain a childhood game that became a metaphor for the purpose and meaning of his life. He explained that, as a child, he used the broken piece of mirror from a wrecked motorcycle to reflect light into dark places where natural sunlight could not go. Alexandros Papaderos said of the meaning of his life:
“I came to understand that I am not the light or the source of light. But light, the light of truth, understanding and knowledge is there. And that light will only shine in many dark places if I reflect it. I am a fragment of a mirror whose whole design and shape I do not know. Nevertheless, with what I have, I can reflect light into the dark places of this world, into the dreary places in the hearts of men and change some things and some people. Perhaps others may see and do likewise. This is what I am about. This is the meaning of my life.”
It is almost poetic for one to discover their purpose or meaning of life from a childhood experience. But, we can discover, reframe or redefine that purpose, meaning or keystone question at any time if we create the right conditions. Hal Gregersen suggests embracing the following three practices to create the conditions in which better questions can emerge.
1) Be willing and ready to admit and embrace being wrong. The CEO and founder of Spanx credits are innovative instincts from the courage to embrace failure.
“My dad encouraged us to fail growing up. He would ask us what we failed at that week. If we didn’t have something, he would be disappointed. It changed my mindset at an early age that failure is not the outcome — failure is not trying. Don’t be afraid to fail.”
2) Push yourself to operate in uncomfortable environments. Organisational consultant and author, Idowu Koyenikan stated in his book Wealth for All: Living a Life of Success at the Edge of Your Ability
“Sometimes it is good to be in uncomfortable situations because it is in finding our way out of such difficulties that we learn valuable lessons.”
3) Make time for introspection. The American poet, biographer, journalist, editor and three-time Pulitzer prize winners said of introspection
“A man must find time for himself. Time is what we spend our lives with. If we are not careful, we find others spending it for us. It is necessary now and then for a man to go away by himself and experience loneliness; to sit on a rock in the forest and to ask of himself, ‘Who am I, and where have I been, and where am I going?’ If one is not careful, one allows diversions to take up one’s time — the stuff of life.
I hope you will create the conditions and situations where you “feel less right, less comfortable or less compelled to speak”, thus generating the right questions that you will live by, finding the meaning and purpose of your life.
Asking the right question is your superpower. Be ready to be wrong, endure discomfort and self-reflect — you will find it.
Book Recommendations
Here are two book recommendations that will guide you in discovering, defining and developing your keystone question:
a) Questions Are The Answers: A Breakthrough Approach to Your Most Vexing Problems at Work and in Life — by Hal Gregersen
b) Change Yor Questions, Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching and Life — by Marilee Adams
Here are three quotes to help you focus on asking the right questions that will unlock insights into your life’s meaning and purpose.
“If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today? And whenever the answer has been “no” for many days in a row, I know I need to change something” — Steve Jobs
“You can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.” — Brene Brown
“One of the fastest ways to find a solution to an issue or challenge you are facing is to ask the right questions.” — Robin S Sharma
